When you keep digging yourself everyday, you tend to find a few things about yourself that makes you vulnerable. You may look like you have figured it all out, but trust me, the people who look like they have it all figured out are actually the people who have the most chaotic mind.
And it’s not because they are living two lives – one for the self and the other to display the world. It’s because they keep introspecting. They keep asking the difficult questions. It becomes impossible for them to stop digging more and more until they find an answer, or bring a change in themselves for the good.
It may appear that they have a calm in their aura but they surely have a chaos in their mind. They may be a source of motivation to many but they themselves feel a lack of direction. They desperately feel the need for someone who can guide them, help them, hold their hand and tell them where to go and what to do.
Today, I found two very disturbing things about myself. And I can’t say I was not aware of these before. But I definitely had never paid enough attention on these things to understand how important these are.
Redefining Success — Why Recognition Isn’t Everything
Even though I am quite the least materialistic in most sense, but I do find it difficult to understand that a certain level of fame or recognition or praise does not define your success. I feel really shameful to accept that I have been putting myself through too much scrutiny and measures, to convince myself that I am successful. Because no matter what I do, or what I achieve, I never feel that I have done something to feel content. To feel successful.
And that is sad. By that measure, I will never be successful. Because I will never be able to do enough, achieve enough or be enough. What I need to understand – like really understand – is that, I AM ENOUGH!
You know, I always had so much respect for people who did the most difficult jobs and got no recognition. But I always felt too bad for them. Always! Just because they never get any recognition for anything that they do.
Even though my father taught me this from childhood, that it does not matter whether you get recognition or not, whether someone else notices or not, you must do your work with complete honesty. Because you can see what you do, and that’s all that will give you a good night sleep.
Another person, who I dearly love, told me once “sincerity never goes unnoticed“. This is a person of few words and I barely get complete meaning of what they say when they actually say it. It becomes clearer to me years and decades later. And I can’t really say that I still have understood this well enough. But, I do understand now, that sincerity is not something that you show off to people when they are looking. It is something that you achieve by doing things even when no one is looking. It is a virtue you achieve by being truthful and honest to yourself.
Have I been honest? Yes. Most of the times. But I figured, if I am waiting for someone to recognize me, my work or my worth, I am not really being completely sincere.
And the “notice” this person talks about is perhaps not something that someone else notices. But something that “God” notices. That your “one true self” , your conscience notices. That gives you the good night’s sleep that perhaps my father talks about.
Learning to Trust, Surrender, and Have Faith
The other vulnerability of mine that I noticed is that I don’t trust anyone. Anyone, but myself. I don’t even allow people to be there for me most of the times, even when I need help. I don’t allow most people to love me. While I can love them, without much of an attachment or expectations.
That is so sad! I know! The reason? Well, when you trust, you give up control. You surrender. You put your faith in someone else’s caliber, wisdom, intent. And that, to be honest, is really very scary, at least for me. That is so sad! I know!
So now, do I have to learn to trust people? To give up control? Maybe yes. But how? I don’t know. I don’t even have enough words or enough understanding to explain this vulnerability more. Perhaps I have not even thought about this well enough. Maybe just enough to understand that it’s time I start learning the art of letting go. The art of trust. And faith. And surrender.
But you know what’s surprising? I always thought that I know how and when to surrender. And submit. But it turns out that I don’t.
What I know, though, is that, until I learn this art, i absolutely cannot follow – karmanyevadhikaraste. Because following it essentially requires you to let go of your attachment towards the results. And the attachment to results is what makes you a control freak!
What I also know, that until you start trusting people for their love, their caliber, their wisdom, and their intent, you will never be able to allow love in your life. It is perhaps just out there. Right in front of you. In the intent of your best friend. Your loved ones. Or anyone in general. But how will you receive it until you trust them enough to let them do what they intend to.
I can’t explain how tensed I am feeling right now as I am writing this. Because it still is really scary to trust. I hope, I really hope and pray to god, that I learn to trust. And able to allow the guiding light, the magnificent love to enter my life. That faith, after all, is the magic we all keep waiting for, for most part of our life!
