Most of the motivational speakers will tell you, that if you find what is your absolute weakness, you must take a leap of faith and do what scares you the most. Do it again. Fail and try again. Most of the potheads and alcoholics will tell you, you only live once and so you should try everything at least once. Well, I will not give you any such suggestions. You know why? Because I feel – and I really, genuinely feel, that not all weaknesses need to be addressed, not all fears need to be triumphed over and most importantly not every thing needs to be tried once.
I mean, if you should try everything, does that include cheating on your partner you love with all your heart? Should you try that once? Should you try and see what killing a human being feels like? No right?! NO, RIGHT??!! Thank you!!
Whenever I feel completely, terribly, hopelessly sad, I see this vision in front of my eyes – I see myself sitting in the back seat of a sky blue Ford Tempo, in denim blue jeans and orange checked casual shirt, it’s top three buttons open, showing off a little bit of my carefree cleavage, long open honey brown wavy hair going wild with the wind coming from the open window of the Tempo, a golden metal bracelet on my wrist of the right hand and a brown leather strap – golden dial watch on the left one, my right hand slightly out from the window by the elbow and me taking a puff from a cigarette and resting my head back on the seat, looking outside, glaring at the mesmerizing view outside, of dessert mountains glowing red with the onset of late afternoon – like the sun is ready to set in another two hours.
But let me tell you, I have never smoked a cigarette ever in my entire life. And I don’t even plan to. Not even a puff. You know why? Because I know I am an addict at soul! Waiting to hold that one cigarette in my hand and then never quit smoking. How do I know this? I know this from my history of how I love people. Or things. Or the characters of the novels I read just once.
I know you might think I am a loyal. Well, no one is a loyal you know. People are either addicted or fearful or just can’t find what they can replace that one thing with. I am the first one. The Addicted!
You know why I never smoked that cigarette? Because I loved once upon a time. After that, I could just never put it down. And now, when I feel completely, terribly, hopelessly out of emotions or completely overwhelmed by them, craving to share how I feel right now, I envision myself on a rooftop in a full moon night, with a big branch of a big tree hanging partially on the roof, which is lit up with yellow street lights, wearing a black patiala salwar kameez, with beautiful oxidized silver jhumkas in my ears, my long dark brown hair braided thick hanging till my waist, resting my hands on the railing of the roof, talking to him about all things that are not important, laughing and giggling.
And let me tell you, I never climbed up that roof, ever, because I know, I will never be able to come back from it.
